In the nearly five years since my marriage fell apart, I've very rarely shared anything about it in words although a sizable portion of the art that I've shared was part and parcel to my process of working through all of it. In the school of life, this has been the most important and vital course I have taken so far and the art (both visual and music) has been my teachers, my coursework, and my term papers. I'm not sure that there is such a thing as being "over it", and I have finally come to a place of true gratitude and self-forgiveness. If it were possible to go back while somehow holding on to what I've learned, there are many things that I would do differently and I'm sure that she would say the same thing. True as that may be, I only know how to time travel in the forward direction and can only do that in real time so at least for now a do-over seems out of reach. And upon reflection, I am grateful that there isn't a button to push which would make such a thing possible as i'm not sure that I would have either the strength or the courage which would be required to refrain from pushing it, because I know that even when it feels anything but perfect the universe is always in perfect order and seeing any of it as a mistake robs me of the joy present in all moments. Just over four years ago now as I began making visual art, I found that I had to remove my ability to "undo" the steps that I was taking as I created the pieces because instead of trusting that my heart knew how to express itself through the art and allowing the piece to arise I was second-guessing everything and in the process I was wrecking many pieces, and once I removed the ability to go back and change steps and instead trusted that my heart was speaking perfectly through the art even when i didn't see that perfection but continued forward with the piece, what resulted was much better work than I had ever done before. I rather suspect that all of life is the same and as I cannot know what would have happened if what did happen didn't happen and i have no way to reliably determine what is going to happen in the future, i actually have no basis for drawing any conclusions about where I should be other than where I am or what I should've done other than what I did and the only conclusion to draw is that life is always just as it should be which includes the feeling that it isn't. And if my conclusion is that it all happens perfectly than my response gets to be one of gratitude and a recognition that through all of it- the highs and the lows and in the most intimate moments of true love and the most devastating moments of complete heartbreak- I have learned how to truly love and to fully accept life and all within it in compassion and with joy even in pain and discomfort. Eighteen years ago, I looked into the eyes of the woman I loved and pledged myself to her and I'm incredibly glad that I did even though I had no idea that our union would last less than fifteen years. This has been a very challenging curriculum indeed, but I'm glad to have enrolled and grateful for all I've learned so far.